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An honest questions from a guy for all the girls

  • Thread starter fc3srx713b
  • Start date
  • #61
Hmmmm.

I think there is far more to the issue of "cheating" than meets the eye.  Its seldom a black and white issue.  I don't condone the breaking of ANY promise, but when it comes to relationships, there is more to commitment than simply being faithful in a physical way. And there is more to relationships that just "love." Love alone will not keep you together.

Say for example, you have a couple where one spouse is treating the other like crap over a long period of time.  When you commit to another person, you aren't just promising never to cheat; you are also making a pledge to be open and honest, to communicate, to be loyal, to be understanding and most important: to be respectful of your mate's feelings.  This is a two-way street.  As long as those elements are honored in a relationship, honoring and respecting the commitment ("promise") is fair and reasonable.  But when the main building blocks of a relationship are missing, and when a partner has TRIED his/her darndest to work out the problems and there is no response or compromise, then its not quite fair to scream "BUT YOU PROMISED!" when you find out your mate has looked for the missing elements elsewhere.  If after really trying to work through the problems, you can't get issues resolved, the BEST choice (as opposed to cheating) is to end the unfulfilling relationship and go find a someone who will honor you as a partner and meet your needs.

I know a lot of happily "coupled" people and I know some unhappily coupled people.  And the unhappily coupled people cannot be honest with one another and cannot communicate and compromise.  If two people love and respect one another, you should be able to talk and work out problems.  Some people are just "jerks" and cheat for the thrill of it.  But far more cheat because their needs as a mate and a person are not being met by their partner.  When all is right and happy in a relationship, you rarely will find cheating.  Again, I certainly don't condone cheating as a solution to a crappy relationship.  But, don't be expecting some "words" to be the SOLE glue that keeps a mate where he/she should be.  If your mate has an issue, LISTEN and ACT.

I will throw this into the mix too..
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 I've mentioned this before somewhere.  A recent LENGTHY study of monogamy by two scientists revealed that almost no animal was 100% monogamous.  This included species that have always been considered monogamous.  The study included birds, fish, mammals and even worms.  Of all the hundreds of species studied, only one was found to be truly monogamous...a flatworm.  "Cheating" was found in every single "monogamously mated" animal couple.  "Monogamous" birds (both male and female) were observed slipping off to get a little nookie on the side.  They believe it has something to do with genetic diversity...keeping genes mixed and spread.

So the conclusion of the study was that animals (including humans) are not BY NATURE monogamous.  HOWEVER, it was also noted that with humans, our emotions (love) and intelligence (reasoning), CAN override our innate drive to be with more than one person.  The study wasn't promoting cheating, it was simply making note that monogamy is not a genetically natural state and explaining why cheating is so common both with men and women (humans).  They were quite clear that monogamy with humans IS achievable.

I personally have never felt monogamy was natural but I do believe in commitment and one-on-one relationships.
 
  • #62
Yeah I think that was what I was trying to say. I just can't put it in words as well as you can. I guess the study that proves women are way better communicators is true.

Has anybody read the book "The Shining" and remember the part about the wasps on the roof? If you do ans have a copy of it, can you post it here? It also describes my point with the puppy.
 
  • #63
i think we have a bad name for people like that...
 
  • #64
People like what?
 
  • #65
oh, the ones that stray off to look for something else. but i really have nothing against that. i see your points and dont get me wrong
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yeah i guess i would get something else, but there must have been a clue at the begging to tell you not to get in that relationship, such as flirting, rumors, behavior, ect
 
  • #66
No, I don't think there are clues necessarily because I don't think cheating is always "lust" related. Like I said, SOME men and women do it just for kicks or thrills, but I really think it happens more often when love is still there but a mate is feeling unfulfilled in some way.

I think couples can start out perfectly happy. Maybe in the beginning when love is fresh and new, its easier to pay attention to your mate. But after a while, you get too complacent. You start taking each other for granted without really realizing it. But once a problem IS brought to your attention, you need to take steps necessary to resolve the problem.

Cheating is usually a symptom of "illness" in a relationship. And its not always a physical thing. Sometimes people get lonely even within a relationship. And blaming each other doesn't help either. You acknowledge the problems and deal with it. Most of the time, each partner shares a part in the responsibility of the problems.

I think Ozzy's analogy to a puppy is a good one. If a puppy is being treated badly at home (not fed, not kept active, not loved), would anyone be surprised if the puppy went next door when he got food and attention? Of course humans have that ability to communicate and reason which makes it possible to change that inevitable "leaving for something better". That's where our capacity to love, nurture, communicate and respect wins out over more base animal drives.
 
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