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I'm sry I have to bring this up but I'm bored and have an hour to kill......

-you notice intrest rates have droped and atempt to refinance your pair of ball pythons. -you have to explian to your new girlfriend that having "herps" doesnt mean you have an s.t.d.. -you hand out cigars to the guys at the office and they say "congradulations but just what is piebald anyway"
-you get upset at the grocery checkout because milks gone up a quarter, but think nothing of ordering $280 bucks worth of frozen mice of the internet.
-You open your front door and there's a cricket there to greet you!
-it only takes you 5 seconds to list ten reasons why your a herper
-You make a list of your herps and you find out you have eight more than you thought you did... (I have 38, not 30 snakes)

-You either can't fall asleep without the sound of crickets...or you have come to despise them with the deepest hatred (I'm from the latter cattegory lol).
-your refridgerator breaksdown and your more worried about your frozen rodents going bad than your ground beef

or when the power goes out the only things hooked up to the generator are you snake/lizards heat, the fridge and your sitting in the cold and dark with the neighbors looking at you weird

-You know your a true herper When the power goes out the only things you can think about are you reptiles, your frozen rodents in the freezer, and your eggs in the incubator. But could care less the kids and wife are crying they're cold.

-you realize you have ants swarming up your pants but opt to get the ratsnake you just caught in the bag before you deal with the small stinging creatures climbing into your pants

-TURTLE V. ...the local museum has ever asked if they could borrow your shell collection for a temperary display.

...at any given moment there is a decomposing turtle in your garden being cleaned out by insects, much to the dismay of your parents who can't stand the smell so close to the tomato patch.

...you have ever rerferred to a snapper as "cute"

...you've ever almost been in a car accident swerving to avoid a turtle then jumping out into traffic and grabbing it up while in mid sprint and diving into a ditch to avoid an oncomming semi truck. You end up with a bloody nose and some awful scrapes but the turtle is fine.

...children pay admission to ride on the backs of your larger specimens.

ok, i just made those up and have no clue if they are any good, hopefully they will at least ispire some other you might be a herper turtle jokes to be put in this forum.

-You dicide who your friends are by what herps they keep

When you look in the mirror and instead of asking "Hunny, do I look fat?" You ask "Hunny, does this need stitches?"
-You wake up at night, to feel something touch you foot....ahhh...
Oh its just a cricket. (Sliz comment: Happened to me)

--You own every tank size between 2gallon, and 100g

-During a rain you go out side, to search for herps(I love searching for American toads, around my house, in the rain,lol)

-After a heavy rain, you go outside with a tupperware container and pick up all the earthworms you can find.(I swear the fbts and fbn love them&#33

-When you are gone you call every 15 mins to check on your gravid snake
-:you walk round any store and point out 20 different item's that would prove useful to your herps.You can walk into your home and spend 2 hours talking to your babies and still not seen the wife or kid's.Your friend get's sunburnt and you remind him not to bask too long.Your sunburnt friend start's peeling and you offer to help his bad shed.Your bestfriend is a 7ft nile monitor.You can walk into any room in the house and see 3 different reptile viv's.You can walk into any room in the house and find atleast 5 cricket's running across the floor.Your kitchen has 2 freezers,1 for you and 1 for mice,rat's and rabbit's.Your friend say's the missus is pregnant and you ask which morph he is hoping for.Your missus is pregnant and you tell eveyone she's gravid and that you hope it's the new tang albino you've alway's wanted.
-My pythons live in *very* large Boaphile cages with heat and light installed, but I "can't afford" a new pair of shoes for work that don't pinch my feet. I need that money for another snake!
-Within a months time, you have to order 2000 crickets, 2500 Silkworm eggs, and a colony of Lobster Roaches to keep up with your kids' appetites. (Sliz Comment:poor kids)
-if you take out a shirt from the closet and right before you're about to put it on notice a huge 2 inch mealworm walking across it.
-or, if you move furniture and you find a 3 inch flattened superworm underneath your table.
-...you have ever noticed, captured, and identified a snake with the use of your nose alone

... you get regular shipments of thousands of live crickets and your postman just rings the doorbell, drops the box and runs;

...door to door salesmen skip your house for fear of their lives.

-...if your friends don't want to go on hikes with you because there afraid by the time you reached the summit you'll have talked their ears of about this years breeding season...ect...ect.

...If your neighbors stand out side your door whatching whenever a pakage is brought to your house, hoping they'll get a glimpse of the "weird guy who keeps snakes and geckos."

...when you hear family members screaming bloody murder and you run to their rescue, catch the cricket, and feed it to your lizards.

-...if youre friends refuse to go on hikes with you because they are afraid they will never make the summit if they take you with them
-...you have 5 of more aquariums and the only time you've ever even remotely been amused by fish is when you kept neroidia and it was feeding time.
-when you get evicted from an apt before you move in cuz of your "kids"
ever seen SNL when Chris Farley would say "living in a van down by the river" now i can see myself saying it, but it would be a van full of herps!!!!!!
-you thaw mice in a baggie on top of the rice cooker when you are cooking dinner for yourself (and you giggle when you think about what a guest might think).
-Your guest stops eating her ice cream when she finds out you keep mice in your freezer. (Had it happen to me.)
-you fail your degree cos you have an exam tomorrow but would rather hang out on kingsnake.com than revise. You'd think I'd have learnt after todays exam!
Or when you sit down to revise but end up working out how many more vivariums you can fit in your room and how to get talk your housemates round for a fifth time.
-your electric and heat bill is as much as you mortgage..
-You Spend 250.00$ On Food Yet yuo Plan On Eating About 20$ Worth Or If you Spend All Day Long on kingsnake.com
--you see animals at the zoo and think, "Got it, got it, want it, got it..."
-Your pet food requires food
-you don't think Steve Irwin is and idiot, you KNOW Steve Irwin is an idiot
-you call rattlesnakes cute
-you get excited when you see an aquarium at the garage sale and/or don't care if an aquarium has a small crack
-you have more lizards than toes
-you have a warning sign on your front door saying "SNAKE ESCAPED!!! Please watch where you sit"
-When someone yells SNAKE, you run towards and not away
-you've gotten banned from pet stores for telling the employees to smarten up on their reptile care
-you loathe petsmart
-you spend hours a day on kingsnake.com
-when someone asks what pets you keep, you refer to their common and latin names
-you think a pinky is a mouse
-your mildy curious what rat tastes like
-you eat Kraft Dinner, your iguana eats fancy salad
-you don't take vitamins, but panic when your out of cricket dust
-you refer to cricket dust as cricket cocaine
-you waste time thinking of jokes like these
-1. You Go To Buy Rats And The Lady Behind You Asks If They Make Good pets And You say I Don't Know? 2. You Tell People This is The last One I Swear! 3. You've Bred Mice For About 2 Years Now But Don't Have A Clue About The Average Life Span 5. Or If Your reading This HAH I GOT YOU TO READ THIS!!!!!
-You thaw out mice under your butt while watching Harry Potter for the fifth time. Btw, it didn't work very well. ^-^
-you find your self in your garage hunting down an escaped rat with a bb gun! hahahahaha i did that last night
-You're on your way to work and you find a live fuzzy mouse in your hair. Fortunately I wasn't the one driving! And I was feeding a snake right before work, but I have no idea how the little thing climbed up there and managed to remain unnoticed for 20 minutes. Also, I'd like to state that finding a live mouse in your hair is much more creepy than finding a bug, in my opinion.

They Just keep COMING!!!

-a 6 year old asks you what kind of snake is in his children's book or cartoon and you answer with the following
common name
Latin name
color/pattern morph
geographic range
how much it costs according to your last price list
-Or you just get mad because it's not a "real" snake, LOL.
-When you go to the grocery store and the cashier looks at you like your going to make a higly exotic salad for a buffet
-When you go to the grocery store and you buy ONE jar of babyfood...
...and you don't have any genetic offspring.
-I did that one time and the cashier looked at me wierd and asked "Just one?" I couldn't resist. I seriously replied "Isn't that all you're supposed to give them a day?" She was so shocked, she almost passed out. I had to tell her I was kidding and it wasn't for a human. Sure was funny though
-My wife and I sometimes wonder if we get that same reaction from folks at restaurants, as we box up not-so-edible things like watermelon rinds and strawberry stems, and say "Let's take this home for the babies!"!
when you invite your boyfriend/girlfriend over you dont let them into your room for fear they may step on something.

Or you hear everytime you buy a box of crix " theres one in the kitchen, bathroom, etc. (Sliz Comment: Happened to me they were everywhere&#33

you know your a herper when you wash your curtains twice a week.

Ladies! you know when your a herper when you catch a cold reptile and stick it in betten your bozooms just to keep it warm!

you know your a bad herper when you train your dog to eat runaway crickets! ( *hangs head in shame* i swear he loves them!!! )

-...when the last thing your daughters boyfriend has to worry about is a gun

...The Discovery Channel wants to send a film crew to your house.

...you comment that the little rodent feet sticking out upside down in your snake's mouth are cute! [MK comment: my favorite is when they slurp in the tail!]

...when part of training new receptionists at work is "When Speedy Delivery comes, make sure you page Sarah right away."

...when you don't understand why the new receptionist would think it's weird that you get a 1000 crickets a week at the office. After all, nobody will guarantee live home delivery!

...when you are spotted by Petco Management, they send customers asking questions about the reptiles to you instead of their employees.

...guests are startled by the presence of turtles soaking in the bath tub when they visit the bathroom.

...you have a nice ficus tree in your living room, but it has a spotlight aimed at it with a chameleon on it.

...instead of board games, your guests often play "catch the cricket" to help you round up the 50 or so crickets that your cat let loose in your bedroom.

...you have an entertainment center in your bedroom, but instead of components, tapes and other entertainment media, there are large tanks of crickets, containers of minerals, extra heating elements, basking lamps, and fixtures for each crammed inside it.

...you have at least 4 different tanks with 4 different sizes of crickets on hand at all times.

...delivery people are afraid to come to your house (the Fed Ex man actually went running when I opened the door with a chameleon on my hand).

...once terrified by crawly bugs of any type, you now pull a wax worm out of a container with your hands, dust it, and hold it up to your chameleon who strikes it out of your hand.

... you find yourself having an emergency Caesarean and you can't find the numbers of the people giving you your baby shower, but you have Melissa Kaplan's numbers.

...every speech given Speech class is about caring for herps.

...all your friends call you Lizard Lady.

...only your closest friends know about the secret snakes in your dorm room.

...you own over $200 worth of Reptile care books.

...your mother has become desensitized to dead mice in the freezer.

...your parents buy you $40 worth of dead mice as a Christmas present.

...your pregnant friend talks about babies and decorating the new kid's room - and you talk about hatchlings and setups.

...your daughter gives you a garter snake for Mother's Day, explaining to her new husband that it's a Mother/Daughter thing, because she had such good memories of our snakes from her childhood.

...you are so used to crickets chirping that they are the only way you are able to sleep at night.

...if your aunt says, "Dear, you've got flour on your nose," and you glance in a mirror and say," oh no, that's cricket duster".

...your idea of fun is going out every weekend to every petstore with some kind of reptile in it.

...you own a hundred tupperware/rubbermaid containers, but can't store any food in them because all the lids have holes in them.

...when someone yells "snake", and you race off after it.

...you get out of your car to chase frogs out of the road.

....people say "oh yeah, your the lady with the snake."

...every kid in the neighborood has brought you a snake, frog, turtle, etc., to be identified.

...when your out-of-state relatives call and their first question is "How are the snakes?"

...when you hear your mum scream "Ah! a mouse!" and a smile lights up your face.

...guests at your house have to wait 10 minutes before they are allowed to sit on your couch.

...you buy rodent food in a 50 pound bag.

...you constantly buy aquarium supplies but own no fish (airstones for humidity, heaters for the incubators).

...your best picture of your wife/girlfriend is with a snake wrapped around her neck.

...you hand a written disclaimer before letting anyone new in your house.

...you hang signs all over your house "Escaped Snake! Please look before you sit!"

-...your pet's dinner requuires care and feediing until it is served.

...you go hysterical when pet stores mix incompatible species in cages.

...you put little white crosses on the side of the road when you find DOR herps.

...your home loan and appraisal papers include pictures of your 12 lb. iguana who lives on your fireplace...

...you consider yourself a great-great-great-great-great-great-grandfather at the age of 28.

...you own lots of plastic storage boxes, but can't use them because they all have holes cut in them for hide boxes!

...your annual house cleaning is done when an animal escapes!

...you buy shelves for new terrariums and supplies , and you already have 5 in your room.

...when you spend much of your spare time with a tape measure because you just know that you could fit a couple more cages in if you put them in side ways/on their sides/on top of each other... etc.

...the place you just rented is a real dump, but you don't mind it's so damp because there are rough skinned newts everywhere.

...you spot your first wild bullfrog, and you drag your husband out to see it so you can share this special moment together. And....you actually have a husband/wife who agrees it's a special moment!

...you kick guests out after they say "What a cute little king snake" while looking into the sand skink's cage.

...you've ever been in a flooring store and found yourself saying, "I really think vinyl is the best substrate for a child's room."

...you mention to your husband that it will soon be time to babyproof your home because your baby will be "big enough to free-roam soon."

...you've ever referred to your pediatrician as your child's vet.

...you've ever referred to the nurse at your obstetrician's office as a vet tech.

...when your obstetrician explained that you needed additional calcium while pregnant, you nodded your head and murmured, "gravidity-induced MBD" under your breath.

...your obstetrician learned to ask what the reptile equivalent of a condition was so she could put things into terms you'd understand.

...your obstetrician explained the reason for needing a Caesarean as "egg dystocia".

...your baby had dry skin and you got misty-eyed at his first shed.

...you name your firstborn after Adam Britton.

...you call Melissa Kaplan from the hospital after giving birth, *and*...Melissa Kaplan's phone number is one of the few numbers you have with you in the hospital after giving birth.

...Melissa doesn't mind the baby not being named after her because, well, it was a 1.0, not 0.1...of course, the mother is just thrilled that it was a 1, period.

...when someone mentions being pregnant, you automatically correct her to "gravid".

...you move the rubber snake out of the aisle at the toy store so it won't get run over...and identify its species while you're doing it.

...you go jogging on a muddy track after a rainstorm and notice lots of earthworms wandering around, and you come back later with a cup.

...you plan a trip to Vegas to meet Tim Rainwater and his world famous albino leopard gecko, Max

...you trade your letter written by George Washington for one written by Raymond Ditmars.

...you have an extra transformer in front of your house

...the people at the screen place, lumber store and glass place know you by your first name

...the biggest problem you face in a day is keeping your humidity high enough

...when neighborhood kids refer to your house as a zoo

...when your kids get kicked out of school for something they brought to show and tell

-One of your 'favorite mice' just had babies...
and you go "aaawww, they are so cute, my first pinkies!!"
then reach in for a stray, pick it up and go
"Just a wee bit small though"
and head off to the herp room to feed it off...
(Sliz C.:Done it)
-you've ever called in to work so you could watch the babies hatch

That wasn't even all of them!!! From one page!!

I want a shirt saying "I survive You know you're a herper when....."

I beg you, just don't get the idea for you know you're a cper when....
You know you're a herper when...

•You hand feed your big male Leopard Gecko his crickets if he is too tired to lunge at them
•You have a special toothbrush you use exclusively to scrub the slimies out of that same Leo's water bowl frequently
•You pluck the wing-like things your Leo's crickets use to chirp off of them so he has an easier-to-stomache meal
•You let your Leo walk freely about the sunroom weekly
•You "fatten up" you Leo's crickets with the best fish food in the world (Omega One) for one or two days before feeding them to him
•You feed your Leo only the best, farm-raised crickets from the petshop
•You bring your Leo to the petshop monthly for visits
you know you're a herper when-

you cause your parents to suddenly brake while driving to check out the "snake" on the road--only to have it be a piece of tire
(happened to me lots of time)

lug the heavy bearded dragon tank outdoors to let the lil' guy catch some extra UV
</span><table border="0" align="center" width="95%" cellpadding="3" cellspacing="1"><tr><td>Quote (Slizarus @ Sep. 09 2003,10:47)</td></tr><tr><td id="QUOTE">I beg you, just don't get the idea for you know you're a cper when....[/QUOTE]<span id='postcolor'>
actually, there already is one, just check in general discussions archives
I remember One and that's all I want to remember
- when your mom gets mad at you everytime you try to buy a rat for your ball python

- when people tell you to get rid of your pets but refuse

- when you watch only animal planet all day long and forget about the other channels

- when you know so much about herps and think about them all day

- when you try to imitate jeff corwin and steve irwin

Oh yeah... and you know you're a herper when you do something like I did many moons ago. As I was outside checking out the neighborhood and getting the mail, I saw something in the road. The street is 20 MPH limit, but sometimes hairbrained teenagers fly down the street at 100 MPH — literally. I walked closer and saw it was a yellow rat snake basking in the middle of the road. I observed it for a while, then saw a familiar apple red car come around the corner, thank God at a normal speed, yet enough to kill a snake. I ran out in front of the car and held my hand up and the car stopped. I scooped up the snake and held it in front of me and got out of the road and went into the yard. The snake pretty much just puffed up and opened his mouth at me, but nothing more. I put him in the bush by the oak tree in my yard and watched as it slithered off. I then noticed the putrid smell on my hands... I washed my hands and then looked in my Reptiles & Amphibians of Florida book and found out it the stinkyness was it's defense method... urine... lol...
My favorite is When you look in the mirror and instead of asking "Hunny, do I look fat?" You ask "Hunny, does this need stitches?" Because I made that one up! I go by Langi on Kingsnake.com and I made that one up. Lol! Good to see its getting around
  • #10
FTG: I think that's common of most colubrids because all of the wild caught kings I've picked up do that to me I hate it....
But you do what you have to do, when you're a herper
  • #12
When youre room starts looking like this....

and youre afraid to bring home dates cause they would run home screamin for thier mommas.
Or when your baby cornsnake chomps on you and all you can think is ...aw isnt he cute!
when you have a bad day and look forward to going home and whacking rats to put in the freezer
  • #13
hehe, those are pretty funny. i got a question. how does airstones raise humidity? thanks. Zongyi
  • #14
Don't know....You should post that as a topic.
  • #15
you run the airstones in water and it blows bubbles which puts more moisture in the air.
  • #17
What is a herper? Better not get too into lizards. I'm going broke with cp's alone.
  • #18
Herper=Herpetoculturist=Reptile and amphibian keeper=A very broke person...
  • #19
***nods hard*** AMEN!
  • #20
when you go to shows on a yearly bases and/or you go to shows half a country away..because you here it's "the best around" and/or you got to shows to sell herps..instead of seeing a show in town and stumble upon it.