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Humor!

schloaty

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - a case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own, because it is two
tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead
giveaway.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your
count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but
broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the
key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - 'Tain't yours and 'tain't
mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Q: What do you call a midget fortune-teller who
escapes from prison? A: A small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be
exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a
mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
 
That's enough punishment.
 
Aw, c'mon! That was awesome!!
 
Okay:
Q WHat's red and eats rocks?
A. A red rock-eater (laughs hysterically)

Q What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A You can roast beef but you can't pee soup!

'mommy mommy, what's a vampire?' 'quiet dear, and drink your soup before it clots.'

Q Why couldn't the butterfly go to the party?
A Because it was a moth ball!

Q Did you hear what happened to that poor tap dancer?
A He fell in the sink!

An elephant escapes from the circus, and ends up in this old lady's garden. The old lady has never seen an elephant before so she calls the police. "Help, there's a strange animal in my garden picking up cabages with it's tail!" she said. "Well what's it doing with them?" asked the officer. She replied ,"Well, if if told you, you'd never believe me!"

A man was going to paint his shed. The label said 'put on three coats' so he put on his raincoat, his blazer, and his peacoat.
(a peacoat is those blue jackets that sailor suits have)

A teacher stubles into class on a hot day. "Whew, nintey eight today," he says. "Happy birthday to you..." sings the rest of the class.

Okay, i'm out of material, i hope i can find my jokebook soon.
 
smile_n_32.gif
biggrin.gif
laugh.gif
 
I understand what the second and third smilies are but why the <word missing> are you sticking your tongue out at me?
 
*dies laughing*

Q: Why did the ant fall of the toilet?
A: He got pissed off.

*searches brain for more material*

*searching... searching...*

..I got nothin'.
 
I don`t know......I use that when I find something humorous.
 
To me it's a goofy face for when something is silly or foolish
smile_n_32.gif
 
  • #10
Okay,
Man: Hey barkeep, put an empty jug at the end of the counter.
Barkeep: Okay, what for?
*Puts jug there*
Man: Okay, i bet you a million dollars that i can pee in to that from all the way over here and not miss a single drop.
Barkeep: Fine, i'd like to see you try.
*Man pees all over bar*
Barkeep: Ha! I can't believe you did that! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Yes! Ha ha! Yeah yippe! Yay!
Man (quietly and seriously): You see that guy over there?
Barkeep:Yes.
Man: I just be him five million dollars that i could pee all over your bar and you'd be happy about it.
 
  • #11
Obviousley somebody had too much to drink......

This is getting a bit "dirty" don`t you think?
 
  • #12
LMFAO!!!
 
  • #13
biggrin.gif

I've had that one for years.

After every line, say: So did the fat lady.
I went to the carnival.
I bought some snacks.
I went on some rides.
I played some games.
I bought a ballon.
The ballon popped.
 
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